Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Throwing it at the wall: Pun-filled bathroom humor

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A photo posted by Leslie Jones McCloud (@imadeamesss) on

 Bending to pick up a laundry basket can result in disaster. I have back up bottles of bleach on hand. Yup, I do.
I have recently begun to change my eating habits due to health concerns. I am fat and I am old so I got the Nutribullet RX several months ago and I love it. My body loves it, my mind does not love it.
Not to be graphic but in the middle of chores and meal preparation, I really don’t want to stop. I hate that. I have a nail brush, lots of soap but is it really ever enough? No, it is never enough. I am tired of going to the bathroom and then, not going to the bathroom when I do not consume the nutritional beverages. It is not the fault of the device manufacturer or my body but it is the fault of my perception of frequent bathroom trips.
I ignored the increase in bathroom usage at first but as the months moved on, I began to see the increase as a nuisance. It is not a nuisance, it is helpful to my good health and weight loss. However, it is a pain in the rear to get ready to go someplace just to have to stop, turn around and head back inside because your body demands it.
A quick Google news search found how much whale pee is in the ocean and the world’s best toilet, (which means there is no credible, recent discussion on this matter) however a regular Google search returned an old debate over how much fecal matter is found in the human gut at any one time. A couple of blogs and message boards said one to four pounds of waste while several others said up to 25 to 40 pounds.
I know for a fact many items on the web are not fact-check with a vetted, licensed expert so with a grain of salt, I tend to believe more sensational headlines — but only because I want to believe. I want to believe a portion of my weight could be simply eliminated by consuming more food, like the Baby Alive doll, and just push it all through. (And just like that doll, there are all sorts of leave behinds when unapproved foods are consumed.)
I am the type of woman who considers colonics and prepares for them but will never make the appointment to go. I fall off of the wagon with the soft foods and raw juices and instead watch videos of the procedure. I base what I’d like to be true of weight loss through elimination by  juicing in preparation for a colonic. And that is it.
Colonic preparation is what started this whole health kick but I never saw it through. I could not for a month of Sundays, eat only soft foods and green juices. I thought I could get rid of 25 pounds in this way so the colonic could be more effective. I thought it to be easy and pain-free. What I found out is that getting rid of weight in this matter is painful. Seeking and finding colonically, your very first meal is painful.
Obese people are said to have layers upon layers of hardened waste lining our intestinal tract, according to many untested experts. Several attempts to unimpact it have hit several painful roadblocks. I had to rig up a jackleg bidet system because the wipes were not enough. (Think garden sprayer filled with salt water because I do not favor a dry wipe. None of us would cleanse a baby’s bottom in such a way, so why should we do it to ourselves?)
It literally hurt to constantly consume products that are specific to cleansing and scraping my insides. It was working but I stopped because of the inconvenience and the pain. Thus far, for the past five months have been my longest run in the past five years, at intestinal cleansing.
I will not give up. I will complain incessantly but I will not give up.
I think the problem is that I am not on a schedule. Like potty training a toddler, we all need a schedule. Some like to schedule before and after work hours, workout hours or travel hours but because I work at home, I have an open schedule—really open. However each day is different and requires some type of shopping and  a closed schedule would only defeat my efforts, so just move out of the way if you see me running toward you because there is probably a bathroom behind you.
Throwing it against the wall (to see what sticks) is a humor column posted  sporadically to the account of Leslie Jones McCloud.

Laugh out loud funny: #Melania'sSpeechMemes on IG